Tuesday, June 25, 2019

Surviving the first year of my Motherhood journey

It's been a year since I gave birth. Ang bilis ng panahon, everything seems like it was only yesterday. Wow english haha!

I've always wanted to write and share how I've been for the past months pero I don't think I had the courage to publish my struggles and maybe takot rin ako na ma judge by the world back then, kasi alam naman natin na when it comes to parenting kahit iba't iba tayo ng style eh marami pa ring magbibigay ng kanilang unsolicited advise pero I think I am braver now kaya ito naisulat ko lahat.
Maybe what pushed me to continue with this post is I want people to understand. I want other moms to know that they are not alone in this journey and what they feel is something that other moms feel too. Kung baga I am hoping na this post would give light somehow to new or struggling moms. Don't get me wrong ha? I know we have our own battles and hindi ko sinasabing I am already good at being a mom pero sana maging relatable sa inyo tong post ko kasi so far nakakayanan ko naman. Everyday lavarn lang!

Actually these realizations usually cross my mind every time I pump at work. Oh diba dati rati yung mga life changing decisions ko eh mostly sa banyo ko ginagawa tuwing nagsoshower or nag number 2 pero since nanay na ako, madalas "The Flash" ang peg ko tuwing nag shoshower. Ewan ko kung ako lang ha? kasi every time na nasa banyo ako, naririnig ako ang iyak ng anak ko or baka napa praning lang ako haha! 

Anyway, highway enough na sa introduction bago pa humaba masyado to HAHA.

I have listed down some issues I/We experienced for the past year.
Hindi ko sinasabing napag tagumpayan na namin itong mga to pero kahit paano we know now how to deal with them.

1. Post Partum Body
Simula nung mag buntis ako naging drastic yung body changes ko. I was around 55 kilos when I found out that I am pregnant and went to 79 kilos before giving birth. To be honest with you all, it took me a long time to build the confidence I had before pregnancy. I only started to become comfortable with myself when I discovered surfing and freediving at syempre yung consistent reminder ni hubby na I am beautiful no matter what. Ngayon, with this body I have to pick the broken pieces again and find a way to love this new vessel that my motherhood journey gave me. Hindi ko pinapahalata pero I am feeling bad about how I look now, I wanted to get rid of the extra mommy fat in my belly but I don't know how to start. I know this is just a phase and eventually I will learn to accept myself wholeheartedly again.
To my post partum Body,

Something that I am not proud of but I know that it is something that I should not be ashamed of.

"Love your flaws!" that's what they say.

It's easy said than done because the world already built this perfect imagery of what beauty should look like.

Gaining self confidence is far from easy but at the end of the day, you carry "YOU" and sometimes what you think of your self is the only thing that matters.

Be kind to yourself. 

You are not alone mama, I/we are with you.

You, yes ikaw, if you have a friend that just gave birth you do not have to rub it to their face if they gained too much weight because you don't know what are they are going through. If you are to choose, always choose to be kind.

2. Going back to work
One of the toughest part of being a working mom is going back to work after a loongg maternity leave. I was lucky kasi our company has 120 days leave. Okay, fast forward, my first day is very emotional, I am a strong person and yung mga taong kilala ko can attest to that pero ang totoo deep inside I am breaking tuwing umaalis ako ng bahay. Sobrang sakit para sa akin iwan yung anak ko lalo na nung I missed yung una niyang nag roll over eng sheket beshie! pero we got bills to pay kaya kailangan tatagan ang loob. Eventually, nasanay na rin ako at thankful na rin dahil hindi humahabol si Amats, yung para bang naiintindihan niya na we need to go to work in order for us to provide and give her a better future. NAKS!

3. Pumping and Breastfeeding
Some people may think na breastfeeding is easy and that's what I thought too pero nung nagsimula na akong magpadede mahirap pala! It is 10% natural but 90% hard work. Dati and goal ko is kahit until 6 months lang pero nung naging regular donor ako to sick babies parang nagkaroon ako ng extra responsibility to continue pumping. To be able to nurture not just my child but other babies as well is heart-warming lalo na kapag ramdam mo na they value my liquid gold kasi nga it involves dedication and hard work. Minsan dumating na rin ako sa point na ayoko na, napapagod na ako and feeling ko too stressful na sa work at hindi ko na maisingit yung pumping sessions pero kapag naiisip ko yung nasasave namin sa milk and yung tulong ko sa ibang babies nagkakaroon ako ng reason to continue. Ngayon isang taon na and I am still pumping milk and maybe I will continue breastfeeding her hanggang kelan niya gusto or depende kung hanggang saan ko kakayanin HAHA (ang fickle minded) kasi it's very challenging for me since I work and my work is very stressful. So bahala na! HAHA.
4. Friends / Support system
Sometimes we have to accept the fact that no matter how good we think we are it's not enough for us to stay in someone else's life, yung hindi lang talaga meant to be and also meron rin mga tao na do not deserve us. "Hindi lahat ng masaya kaibigan mo", that's a painful lesson I learned kasi I enjoy hanging out with friends pero after giving birth bilang ko lang sa kamay ko yung mga taong nagbibigay ng time for me and for my daughter. Alam mo yung when you enter a new journey, it always feels good to have someone that checks out on you pero syempre there are few people who will disappoint and it’s okay mama, sometimes we have to learn to let go in order for us to grow. 
Being mother is a total game changer and I really appreciate those who stayed and exert the time and effort for me not to feel left out. Now, I must say - I may not have a lot of friends but I am lucky to be surrounded by real ones. Thanks and Love you real friends! :*
5. Priorities
Ito yung pinaka nagbago when I became a mom, bumaliktad yung mundo ko when it comes to priorities. Before I can just go anywhere or decide in a snap pero ngayon I have to weight things first. Kung YOLO ang peg ko before, now I have to ensure that all the decisions I make will give her a brighter future. Lumaki kasi ako ng sakto lang, yung nakakakain ng complete meal sa isang araw, nakakapag aral pero walang savings yung mga magulang ko kaya alam ko yung feeling na sakto lang. Don't get me wrong ha? I appreciate my parents for giving their all sa pag papalaki sa aming magkakapatid and I can't thank them enough, it's just siguro these are just lessons I learned from them. Iba pa rin kasi yung kapag mawala ka eh meron kang peace of mind, yung hindi sayo ma hahassle yung anak mo. Kaya masaya ako na kumuha ako ng insurance + investment (hindi po ito paid advertisement pero kung gusto mo kumuha ng insurance for yourself or your child, I can recommend you to my friend).
6. Mom guilt
I love my family sure, BUT - yes there is a big BUT, sometimes I need to be away from them just to keep my sanity. Well, pwede naman talaga akong umalis anytime and my husband assured me that they will be fine and it won't hurt leaving them for few days in order for me to get my well deserve Momcation pero I think ako lang talaga yung problema, parang ako pa yung merong separation anxiety HAHA. Alam mo yung feeling na gustong gusto kong umalis pero hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula. I now understand bakit yung mga nanay mostly eh mas pinipili nilang mag stay with family kesa mag unwind kasi kapag nasa malayo ka iisipin mo pa rin yung family mo.
7. Unsolicited advises
Never let anyone's "ideal parenting" style affect you especially if that is making you feel bad about yourself. We all have different battles and just because they don't look like they are struggling does not mean that they don't. We are only human and we bleed when we fall down charot! HAHA kidding aside of course they are also struggling, some people are just good in hiding it that's why my advise is "Always trust your instinct". As a parent, I know deep down in our hearts that we only want what is best for our little ones. It doesn't matter whether you are the tough parent or the one who spoils kasi iisa lang naman ang goal natin e, yung lumaki silang mabuting tao at maging kapaki pakinabang na parte ng lipunan.

Being a parent is a never ending process and we keep on learning new things everyday. It is not an easy journey but we have to celebrate small successes because we all want what is good for our tiny humans after all. Be kind to yourself. ALWAYS! dahil madami nang judgemental sa mundo. O siya! Hanggang sa muli <3

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